Lenel, Suzanne, Jerry, Jay, Penelope, Dave, Wayne, Linda, Kristina, Robert,
Carl, JoAnn and Jean by proxy
OUTREACH
The Board unanimously approved having an information booth and RCA
literature on sale at the NCSA in San Diego, California, May 3 - 5, 2001.
The Board also voted to present an RCA panel and ask the San Diego RCA
groups to host an open RCA meeting at the NCSA meeting.
POINTS OF CLARIFICATION
The Board meetings are opened to anyone who wishes to attend.
The RCA Bylaws do not require the office manager be present at the Board
meetings.
The Bylaws, require the office manager to present a financial report to
the Board at the quarterly meetings. Due to the WSO transition, this report
was not ready.
BYLAWS
A motion for a Bylaw change was made, seconded and approved. See
suggested Bylaw changes in this issue.
OFFICE TRANSITION
All computer equipment will be installed at the new World Service office
where the RCA office manager will learn to use the software with the
tutorial
help of Scott S.
It is now legal for RCA to do business in the state of California as a
Missouri Corporation.
The Board acknowledged Lenel, Wayne and Jerry for their efforts in
relocating the WSO.
OFFICE MANAGER
The office manager, according the "Scope of Services" document, reports
first to the Board chair and treasurer, then to the Board as a whole.
WEB SITE UPDATE
Coordination of changes in information before the Web site is updated
were discussed and will be resolved by Jerry.
The Board was invited to review and approve the new on-line Meeting
Registration Form.
A PDF writer is being tested so that fully illustrated forms and
documents, such as the Hand in Hand, may be viewed and downloaded from the
Web site.
The Board approved making the e-group opportunity that is currently in
existence available to all members with e-mail access
(RecoveringCouples-subscribe@egroups.com).
Many recovery books are in print with the St. Louis address for RCA's
WSO. The Board decided efforts must be made to contact publishers to
correct
WSO address.
Jay and Penelope donated a printer to RCA and it was accepted with
gratitude.
Steve A. offered thanks to all who helped with the move of the WSO to
Oakland. The office is now fully functional.
Steve expressed gratitude for Mary Monica's assistance during the
transition. His goal is to have a consultant assist in streamlining all
office functions. Scott S. was extremely helpful setting up the new WSO
office computer. Steve is now looking for ways to increase his computer
skills.
Reports and bulk mailings are planned for the near future. For now,
printing and mailing of the Hand in Hand remains in St. Louis. Archival
storage is needed at WSO and options will be explored.
FUNDRAISER
Patrick C. donated a mounted book cover with original notes for sale or
auction by RCA. See article in this issue.
BYLAWS
Motions for Bylaw changes were made, seconded and approved. See
suggested Bylaw changes in this issue.
CONVENTION UPDATE
The Dallas RCA Convention Web site: www dallasrca.org was announced. A
program topics list was circulated. Board discussion included:
.Use of all means available to encourage each RCA meeting to send a
representative to the Dallas Convention
.Encourage all attendees of the convention to be prepared to discuss
open
and closed meeting concepts
.Encourage nominees of Board couples to fill out the Board, with
particular attention to regionally distributed representation
.Scheduling the Friday Board meeting from 12 - 4 PM and the Sunday
transition Board meeting from 2 - 5 PM.
AUDIO TAPE UPDATE
A source to digitize all RCA audiotapes has not been identified, but
efforts continue. A motion was passed to provide a maximum budget of $500
for Wayne and Steve to obtain digital tape masters of the most popular/most
requested tapes in order to fulfill current orders.
WEB SITE UPDATE
The board passed a motion to begin investigating possibilities for new
Web site management with a maximum budget of $100 per month with the
following Board recommendations that the Web master:
.Preferably be from the RCA Fellowship
.Be brought in from another 12 Step program if number one cannot be
obtained
.Can be a position of consultant to the Board, for up to $100/month
.Needs to have a disclaimer friendly amendment: Web master needs to be
sensitive to confidential nature of RCA.
RCA E-MAIL NEWS SUBSCRIPTIONS
A motion was made and passed that the RCA couples News Subscription
Service will be guided by Communication Committee to send RCA news out by
e-mail for the purpose of keeping RCA couples and RCA groups informed.
Discussion made it clear that this concept needs to have set guidelines
for future Boards so that there is clear understanding of the intent and
purpose of this concept, i.e. to facilitate connected and informed RCA
groups.
A motion was made and passed that authorizes the Communication Committee
a budget of $250.00 to purchase the Acrobat program which would allow RCA
members to download whole documents from the Web site, i.e. Hand in Hand,
RCA
literature and brochures .
The Communication Committee was authorized a budget increase of $100 per
year to upgrade Web site service and a maximum amount of $100 to subscribe
to
the PayPal, or similar service, that would allow RCA members to order RCA
literature, make donations, etc.
DIVERSITY COMMITTEE
Even though there is general appreciation for the Diversity pamphlet the
intended message of the pamphlet is still unclear. The committee requested
more guidance from the Board. A motion was made and passed to alter the
last
page.
It was suggested that the distribution of the Diversity pamphlet be
stopped in its present form. Diversity is as much about what couples have
in
common as it is about how they are different. The discussion became more
about how RCA welcomes diverse couples, how to welcome new couples and how
to
retain new couples?
Further discussion was tabled.
OFFICE MANAGER REPORT
There was discussion regarding the IRS rules surrounding the term
"consultant" and the need for RCA WSO to be sure to function in accordance
with those rules.
The Board authorized the office manager to:
.Contract with a computer consultant for the assessing, implementing and
training involved in setting up the new data entry system for QuickBooks and
Quicken.
.Use his discretion, after conversations with the Executive Committee,
for literature and postage fee increases
.Invite the Literature Committee to review the contents of the starter
packets increase the price of the starter packets from $25 to $30.
.Acquire a storage space for RCA materials not utilized on a daily basis
with a budget of $75/month maximum
.Acquire/order medallions, including setting up new dyes, as needed,
with
the approval of the budget necessary by the Executive Committee.
Bob F., under his contract, answers all e-mail inquiries. Bob has
offered to extend his service to assisting in the maintenance of the RCA
International Meeting Directory and to do so within the scope of hours
provided for under his current contract.
The Board approved and also decided that Bob F. may, if needed, request
a
maximum of 10 additional hours to complete the added tasks. They expressed
appreciation to Bob F. for his steadfast dependability, commitment and the
manner in which he provides the services he provides for the RCA fellowship.
The Board voted to create a form that will allow any member of the
fellowship to request Board approval of any RCA literature or merchandise
they have created and wish to be considered RCA Board approved.
LITERATURE
The Board voted to:
.Set up an Ad Hoc Committee, consisting of Board members who can meet
for
a couple of additional hours on Sunday PM to review RCA literature submitted
for Board approval.
.Create a release form for artists to sign for their ideas, images &
creative materials to be used by RCA fellowship in distribution of Board
approved RCA projects
.Approve the project of distributing RCA cards using RCA convention
tee-shirt images photographed, with the approval of the artist(s). Artist
release must be obtained prior to distribution.
.Delegate some Board members to create the release form for artists
and/or couples who want to contribute their ideas/materials, literature,
Convention Logos, etc. for distribution throughout the RCA fellowship.
A Board round table discussion of the pros and cons of closed meeting
ensued. A question was raised as to the appropriateness of meetings that
establish "qualifiers" for attendance. The Traditions were examined and
discussed in association with this topic.
Patrick C. joined the meeting and asked the Board to consider asking for
willing couples who might be available to do outreach at 13 different cities
across the United States and Canada over the next year. Patrick expressed
his desire to support the growth of RCA by offering the fellowship an
opportunity to do outreach in conjunction with events he would be
facilitating in the coming months. No opposition was expressed.
In My Opinion
Because this issue of the Hand in Hand is a double issue, here are two
consecutive "In My Opinion" article's on the topic :
To Close or Not to Close. That is the Question!
ARTICLE ONE
By Lenel, Board Chair
I take great comfort in the following words, among many others,
distributed and read throughout the RCA fellowship: "The only requirement
for membership is a desire to remain in a caring, committed and intimate
relationship."
These words have allowed my partner and me the opportunity to experience
the RCA fellowship, support and encouragement to familiarize ourselves and
to
practice using the tools of this program that we may have the hope of
sharing
a caring, committed and intimate long-term relationship together as we seek
to grow out of very dysfunctional family-of-origin patterns, and as we each
seek to take care of ourselves within our own very busy, challenging,
exhausting individual lives.
I hear time and time again the fact that RCA is very challenging for
couples who are seeking help to find out information about our meetings so
that they may explore the RCA experience in our fellowship.
I am very interested in having as many meetings as possible throughout
the fellowship register more specific information, i.e., location of the
meeting, preferably with directions, and/ or contact couples information,
which is updated regularly. I have been blessed time and time again with
the
sharing of individuals at RCA meetings. If our meeting had had qualifiers
that would have kept either me or them away, then I never would have been
exposed to the recovery those shares offered. And, the degree of safety I
experience in our meeting without qualifiers is the greatest of any meeting
I
have ever attended. I believe that when we allow our fear to rule, and
convince us to establish qualifiers, we never really create safety. Rather
we create an illusion of safety, and deny ourselves the experience of true
safety.
I encourage every meeting to send a delegate to the National Convention
in Dallas this August. I believe this is a sensitive topic, because many of
our registered meetings declare some sort of qualifier, and I believe it
should be discussed at an open convention. In the meanwhile, I encourage
any
meeting that has established some sort of qualifier to consider opening your
meeting to the fellowship-at-large. Especially when any of this meeting
information changes, so that when couples actually find RCA Web site they
can
receive enough meeting information to be able to directly find meetings they
are interested in attending.
I have a concern about the fact that there exists, in certain locations
within the RCA fellowship, only closed meetings. I believe that there is
great value in the existence of closed meetings, the fact that closed
meetings exist for the purpose of step-study support group, closed for a
period of time to support couples to do in-depth, ongoing coupleship work in
a setting where the group participants are committed in showing up on a
regular basis, there is no problem in my mind with these scenarios.
The concern for me exists with the groups which define couples who are
welcome to their particular meeting based on the gender makeup of couples,
whether or not individuals in the coupleship attend their own individual
programs and/or a particular 12 Step program. I believe these
specifications
are not implied within the statement defining the only requirement that
exists for a couple to be welcomed to the RCA fellowship.
The other concern I have is for the newcomers who have typically already
found it challenging to find out about the RCA program, to then possibly
find
the meeting that they are interested in attending in their area which fits
in
the schedule of each partner in that coupleship, is now listed to be a
closed
meeting.
I would like to know that there is a commitment throughout the RCA
Fellowship to welcome the newcomer couples, and wherever there are RCA
couples gathering to meet and work together in the RCA program, that they
are
willing to host an open meeting and/or newcomer meeting, to welcome any
individual, regardless of the gender makeup of the coupleship, if only one
partner is available to attend the meeting, etc. That way persons
interested
in finding out more information about the RCA program can do so by attending
an open meeting or a newcomer meeting in their area.
I find myself caring very deeply about this 12 Step Anonymous-based
fellowship, and I am very grateful for all the nurturing my partner and I
have received throughout the years we have been involved in RCA, and I will
for many years carry with me the invaluable experience that I have had
serving on the RCA board these past couple of years.
I would wish that any couple who desires what we are fortunate to experience
in this fellowship feel welcome to RCA and receive the tremendous amount of
support it takes to actually and fully work this very rigorous, challenging
and rewarding program.
The board has been very interested in the topic of listing open and
closed meetings in the international meeting directory as it is distributed
in hard copy and on the Web site, and has been working to craft a position
statement to recommend to the RCA fellowship regarding open and closed
meeting.
The members of the RCA WSO Board would like to encourage each meeting
throughout the fellowship to send a couple representative to this year's
Convention in Dallas on August 9-11 to participate in this discussion
regarding a fellowship-wide position statement regarding open and closed
meetings during the open business meeting session on Saturday morning. We
hope to hear from YOU, your meeting!
ARTICLE TWO
By Jerry H. Vice Chair
The Third Tradition of RCA reads: "The only requirement for RCA
membership is a desire to remain in a committed relationship." To me this
means just what it says, and there are no other hidden "qualifiers" a couple
needs to meet.
Then the Fourth Tradition of RCA reads: "Each group should be autonomous
except in matters affecting other groups or RCA as a whole." This could be
interpreted to mean each group can establish "qualifiers" to determine who
they admit into the group.
The current and past Boards have had lengthy discussion around the topic
of Closed Meetings. I have struggled with this question myself. I
frequently look to other, older, fellowships for guidance in these matters.
I notice that AA and other older fellowships do have Closed Meetings and I
have asked what Closed Meetings means in those fellowships. I understand
that a Closed AA meeting usually means that a person must identify as an
alcoholic to attend. Those who do not consider themselves an alcoholic are
asked not to attend. Then there are Stag meetings, Men Only and/or Women
Only. I imagine these meetings have decided to declare themselves as Stag
meetings in order to establish what they believe will be a safer atmosphere
for those attending.
So, when I look at the RCA meeting directory and I see meetings that
declare themselves as CLOSED, to couples only I understand it, they are only
asking those attending identify as a couple with a "desire to remain in
committed relationship."
However, I become concerned when I see meetings establishing qualifiers
such as; one member must identify with a sex addiction, or requiring a new
couple to be interviewed before being allowed to attend a meeting, and
asking
the new couple to give a commitment that they will attend a specific number
of meetings. In my opinion these qualifiers are a violation of the Third
Tradition.
I do become torn though when I imagine that the reason for these
qualifiers may be an attempt to establish a safe atmosphere for those in
attendance, much like Stag AA meetings. But then I see that our directory
has other meetings with qualifiers such as Gay Only, Lesbian Only and
Heterosexual Only. To me these qualifiers not only violate the Third
Tradition, but in my opinion, they violate the Tenth Tradition as well by
bringing in outside issues that open up RCA to public controversy. This
affects RCA as a whole, so, it is also a violation of the Fourth Tradition.
I know the Traditions are suggested. RCA does not govern, so no one is
going to say; "Stop that!" or "You can't do that!" . I do believe however
that when RCA publishes meeting information that contains qualifiers that
violates these Traditions that it does affect RCA as a whole. The question
for me is not whether or not a meeting can declare qualifiers for
attendance.
Of course they can. The question for me becomes whether or not it is
appropriate for RCA to publish the existence of those meetings in the
directory and open RCA as a whole up to public controversy.
In my experience, I never know where the next gem of insight is going to
come. I have been blessed time and time again with the sharing of
individuals at RCA meetings. If our meeting had had those qualifiers that
would have kept either me or them away, then I never would have been exposed
to the recovery those shares offered. And, the degree of safety I
experience
in our meeting without qualifiers is the greatest of any meeting I have ever
attended. I believe that when we allow our fear to rule, and convince us to
establish qualifiers, we never really create safety. Rather we create an
illusion of safety, and deny ourselves the experience of true safety.
I encourage every meeting to send a delegate to the National Convention
in Dallas this August. I believe this is a sensitive topic, because many of
our registered meetings declare some sort of qualifier, and I believe it
should be discussed at an open convention. In the meanwhile, I encourage
any
meeting that has established some sort of qualifier to consider opening our
meeting to the fellowship at large.
If you have an opinion on "To Close or Not to Close," please bring it to
the RCA convention and share it during discussion on this topic. The two
Board members who wrote the previous articles have beliefs that are similar,
but we are sure there are contrary beliefs out there just waiting to be
heard!
New Meeting Format for Determining Bylaw Changes
By Suzanne, Bylaws Chair
There are many recommended Bylaw changes being presented at the annual
convention this August. They are presented in this newsletter so you and
your RCA group may study them. Whether or not you can attend the
convention,
I would like to make reference to the possible use of an Informed Group
Conscience procedure for business meeting decisions. A handout describing
this procedure is available from the WSO. This last year the WSO Board has
adopted this as a very successful method of doing business.
1. If a situation presents itself, the situation is defined and the
group is informed of the background history and given an analysis.
2. Going around the circle, everyone has time (perhaps 3 minutes) to
comment on the issue and brainstorm solutions. A few passes around the
circle may be necessary to flush out a few good solutions.
3. After everyone has spoken a motion may be made from the discussion
that has just preceded or a committee may be formed to further research the
issue and return with more information for the group conscience.
This differs from the standard format of presenting an issue with a
solution to be voted on with a "yes" or a "no". There is a discussion that
ensues after the proposal has been made that focuses on the pros and cons of
the solution, but that discussion does not focus on finding solutions. Some
solutions may present themselves during the discussion, but sometimes they
get lost in the effort to move things along.
Proposed Bylaw Changes
Before proposed change:
4.2.1 Location and Times. Board meetings shall be held four times a year at
such times and places as designated by the Board. ...
After proposed change:
4.2.1 Location and Times. Board meetings shall be held a minimum of four
times a year at such times, places, and means as designated by the Board.
...
A minimum of two meetings each year shall be in person.
Reason for change:
The current Board has found that four meetings are not enough to complete
the
necessary business of building the RCA Fellowship. In addition, the expense
of traveling to and from meetings is burdensome and prevents Fellowship
members with limited incomes from participating in Board service.
______________________________________
Before proposed change:
4.1.6 Vacancies. A voting couple directorship may be vacated by any of the
following means:
1. The resignation of the couple
2. The Board voting the removal of a couple due to absence from two
consecutive Board meetings. A couple is absent when both members of the
couple are absent.
After proposed change:
4.1.6 Vacancies. A vacancy on the Board may occur by any of the following
means:
1. The resignation of the couple
2. The Board voting the removal of a couple due to absence from two
consecutive Board meetings. A couple is absent when both members of the
couple are absent.
3. If any seats remain unfilled after an election has been completed.
4. Any other circumstance in which the Board membership is not at full
capacity, as defined in Section 4.1.1.
Reason:
The Board has never been filled to capacity. If a willing couple steps
forward between conventions, it is in the interest of the Fellowship to give
them an opportunity, with Board approval, to participate in Board service.
This proposed change further clarifies language of a 1994 revision regarding
how vacancies on the Board can be filled.
_____________________________________
Before proposed change:
2.2 Staff. The Central Office of W.S.O. shall be staffed by an Office
Manager and such other employees as may be directed by the Board of
Trustees.
...
After proposed change:
2.2 Staff. The Central Office of W.S.O. shall be staffed by an Office
Manager and such other service providers as may be directed by the Board of
Trustees. ...
Reason:
In keeping with Tradition 8 and for purposes of tax accounting, the
Fellowship does not have employees. Our special workers are either
contracted service providers or volunteers. This change clarifies the
status
of special workers.
_____________________________________
Before proposed change:
3.2 R.C.A Group. Any group of couples which is based on the Twelve Steps
and
Twelve Traditions of R.C.A. shall be an R.C.A. group.
After proposed change:
3.2 R.C.A Group. Any group of couples that is based on the Twelve Steps and
Twelve Traditions of R.C.A. may call itself an R.C.A. group.
Reason:
Some meetings, such as Couples in Recovery, use our 12 Steps and 12
Traditions, but do not consider themselves R.C.A. meetings. We need to
respect their choice and to maintain our Tradition that states that we have
no outside affiliations.
_____________________________________
Before proposed change:
4.1.7 Replacement. If a voting couple directorship becomes vacant prior to
the expiration of their term, the first nonvoting couple shall fill the
vacancy and become a voting couple for the unexpired portion of the term of
the vacating couple. If no alternate nonvoting couple is available to fill
the vacancy, the Board may pass a motion to appoint a willing couple to fill
the vacancy. The appointed couple shall be qualified in accordance with
Section 4.1.2.
After proposed change:
4.1.7 Filling Vacancies. If a Board-couple position is vacant, the first
alternate nonvoting couple shall fill the vacancy and become a voting couple
to serve until the next R.C.A. convention. If no alternate nonvoting
alternate couple is available to fill the vacancy, the Board may pass a
motion to appoint a willing couple to fill the vacancy until the next
convention. The appointed couple shall be qualified in accordance with
Section 4.1.2.
Reason:
As presently worded, it is not clear when a replacement couple's term ends.
It could end at the next Convention, or the one that follows, since Board
terms are for two years. If the Board appoints a replacement couple, the
membership at large should have an opportunity to review that appointment at
the first opportunity.
_____________________________________
To add the following section:
4.2.1.1 Notification of Board Meetings: Notification of all Board meetings
shall be made in accordance with the laws of the State in which R.C.A. is
incorporated.
______________________________________
Before proposed change:
4.3.3 Duties of Secretary. The Secretary shall:
...
2. hold in custody and be responsible for all reports, contracts, legal
papers, minute books, and the W.S.O. seal, which items shall be kept at the
Central Office at all times, or at such other depository as may be
designated
by the Board
...
After proposed change:
...
2. work with the Office Manager to ensure that all reports, contracts, legal
papers, minute books, and the W.S.O. seal are kept in good order at the
Central Office at all times, or at such other depository as may be
designated
by the Board
...
Reason:
The meaning of this passage has been unclear. If the Secretary lives in a
different region than the Central Office, how can she or he maintain custody
of documents that reside there? In the new wording, it is clear that the
Office Manager is answerable to the Secretary for maintaining the vital
documents of the Fellowship.
_______________________________________
Before proposed change:
5.1 Committees: Committees for any purpose, shall be appointed by the Chair
upon direction of the Board.
After proposed change:
5.1 Executive Committee: The Executive Committee shall consist of the
Officers as defined in Article 4.3.
5.2 Other Committees: Committees for any other purpose, shall be appointed
by the Chair upon direction of the Board.
Reason:
The Board has relied on an Executive Committee to handle R.C.A. business
that
must be completed between Board meetings. This process has worked well for
the Fellowship. As a standing committee, it should be recognized within the
Bylaws.
_______________________________________
Proposed Policy Resolutions
The proposed policy resolution will NOT become a part of the Bylaws but only
establishes procedural policy for the Board to follow.
Procedure for conducting Board Business:
That the Board shall use the following procedure for conducting Board
business:
1. A Board member who takes responsibility for bringing an issue forward
shall present the need, background, history, and analysis of that issue.
2. The Board members shall each, in turn, offer comments regarding that
issue, moving around the circle until everyone who chooses to do so has had
an opportunity to speak to the issue. This round of discussion may be
timed.
A second round of discussion may take place at the discretion of the Board
Chair. This round may also be timed.
3. After all have spoken:
a) a motion may be made from the discussion just completed. Typically, the
person who brings the issue forward takes responsibility for framing such a
motion.
b) a committee can be formed to conduct further research and return with
further information at a later date or take no further action.
4. If a motion is made, the business is conducted using Robert's Rules of
Order
Reason for Resolution:
To ensure that we honor our group conscience, in which all viewpoints are
accounted for within our Fellowship.
Communication Committee Report
By Jerry
Over the last few months many of you may have noticed some great changes
at the Recovering-Couples.org Web site. Well, we are making even more
changes. The first change will be our Web master. We want to thank Frank
W.
for all his great work on the RCA Web site in recent months as we honor his
request to be replaced as Web master.
Fortunately, Chris and Josie of Dallas have stepped forward and offered
to take over this demanding service position. Josie and Chris currently
serve as the Web master(s) for the rca-Dallas.org web site. If you haven't
yet visited this Web site, and their 2001 Convention page, you are missing a
real treat!
Frank W. was able to set up an "e-group" subscription list that many
RCA
couples have been enjoying. Anyone can subscribe or unsubscribe at any
time.
Subscribers receive every message anyone posts. Respondents to any message
will go to all subscribers.
Subscribe by sending an e-mail to
RecoveringCouples-subscribe@egroup.com,
or visit the RCA Web site and click on the "Join an e-Mail mailing list"
link. This e-group list is not moderated, which means no one controls what
gets posted. However, the RCA Safety Guidelines apply just as they do with
any meeting.
Soon we'll have an RCA eNews subscription service. Again, anyone can
subscribe or unsubscribe at any time. The RCA eNews will be sent by the WSO
and is intended to keep the subscribing fellowship informed.
The messages may be announcements of newly established RCA meetings, a
reminder of a "Phone Meeting" or "Chat Room Meeting." RCA eNews will keep
us
informed of regional retreats or conventions. It will fill the gap between
Hand in Hand publication and help us stay connected. If you want to be
notified when RCA eNews is established, send an e-mail to RCAWSO@iname.com
and ask to be invited to subscribe, or watch the Web page for an eNews link.
Soon you'll be able to order and pay for your RCA supplies at the RCA
web
site. We may even be able to accept 7th Tradition contributions from the
Web
site.
We're very close to making some RCA brochures and flyers downloadable
directly from the RCA Web site in their fully illustrated format. This will
allow meetings to simply download the literature, even the Hand in Hand,
then
make their own copies.
We plan to make different meeting formats available at the Web site.
Usually, meeting formats don't stray too far from the generic one offered in
the RCA Blue Book. However, some formats include language that address
specific logistical challenges faced by different meetings. Some meetings
have a "feedback" format. We'll also have different "Business Meeting"
formats available. The intent is to bring together different ideas so each
group can take what they like and leave the rest.
If, as you visit the RCA Web site, you have any ideas you believe will
make the site more user friendly, or if there is something you had hoped to
find at the Web site and didn't, please click on the "e-mail RCA" link and
share your ideas.
Office Manager's Report
Hello, RCA! My name is Steve A. recovering with Signe in Oakland,
California. I began assuming the WSO office manager duties in December. As
the boxes arrived from St. Louis, I set about working with the Board and
Mary
Monica to set up shop in California and I've experienced a wide range of
emotions. The last time I worked with the WSO office manager regularly was
during Signe's and my 1996 - 1998 term on the Board. I have many fond
memories of Judy W., who was then the office manager.
One of our last duties while on the Board was hiring Mary Monica as
office manager when Judy, who I miss a lot, became too ill to continue. So,
now here I am, with some fear and a lot of love for RCA, following in Mary
Monica's footsteps. I hope to provide RCA with the kind of service it needs
to keep growing and thriving.
Many thanks to Mary Monica and Scott for hours of phone calls to get
things set up here. My heartfelt thanks to the Executive Committee, Lenel,
Jerry, and Wayne, who, with other Board members, spent hours dealing with
the
countless details involved in transferring the WSO from Missouri to
California. Thanks also to Jerry and Scott S. for researching, leasing, and
programming the new office computer - AND for giving me a crash computer
course! Thank you to all the volunteers who helped in this process. A
special thanks to my wonderful partner, Signe, for supporting and helping me
along the way!
The office is mostly set up now and I am getting up to speed. The phone
calls, e-mails, faxes and literature orders are being handled more
efficiently. My apologies for delays as I tried to find a system that works
for me and the Fellowship. We had several unexpected delays with the new
checking account and computer lease, which added to the confusion of moving!
During the time I was awaiting the new computer and receiving training,
some of you didn't receive order invoices or thank you letters for
contributions. Both are now being sent, but it will take time to catch up.
The Seventh Tradition donation listings may not be accurate until all the
data has been entered and computed. Those awaiting tapes . the remastering
process is ongoing. I will send tapes as soon as they become available. The
quality should be noticeably improved.
Thank you for your patience, kind messages, and humor. Serving you is
what makes this more than a job! Keep in touch - especially if you move, or
your meeting changes time, location, contact couple, etc. Let me know if I
am serving your needs and how I can do it better from your perspective!
I hope to see many of you at the convention in Dallas. Don't be shy
about
contacting me. Here's the current contact information.
RCA World Service Office
P.O. Box 11029
Oakland, CA 94611
Phone: (510) 336-3300
Fax: (510) 336-3302
E-Mail: wso-rca@pacbell.net
Meet Your Regional Liaisons
By Annliz and Per H.
We are Annliz and Per, from Sweden, recovering in RCA. We have been
living together for 25 years. We've had our own individual 12 Step programs
for ten years. We had a good life, but something was missing in our life
together. So, in March 1997, we started RCA in Sweden with three other
couples.
For us, the RCA symbol, the three-legged stool, means a lot. We now
understand the need for our own individual programs and our need for RCA.
We act as the RCA service office in Sweden and for the "rest of the
world" outside United States. We are working to spread the RCA message and
are trying to help RCA grow. Translating the RCA materials into Swedish is
not easy and takes much time, but we are committed.
We have attended two RCA conventions, one in Florida and one in Los
Angeles. Each gave us so much . meeting other recovering couples and seeing
how RCA works in United States was very valuable. And we can't forget to
mention all the many new friends we made.
We are grateful to serve as Regional Liaison Couples and are willing to
share our experience. You may contact us at: rca-sverige@telia.com.
Los Angeles Monthly Step Workshop
By Fran and Mike
A number of couples have asked us about the Monthly Step Workshop that
we
started in the Los Angeles Area. Some overall ideas and benefits are:
1. It needs to be facilitated by an experienced couple who have worked
the Steps of RCA. We think having completed Step Five would be a minimum as
a guideline.
2. The facilitating couple should have a Sponsor Couple to work with, be
it a long-distance sponsor, as in our case, or a couple within that couple's
local group.
3. The Workshop provided and can provide a place for a significant
number
of couples to work through the Steps while waiting for couples within their
home group to become available to Sponsor.
4. Every month the couples knew they had a time and place they could be
supported to do Step work and that encouraged couples to continue their work
between the monthly meetings.
5. We encouraged Workshop couples, as well as the couples we sponsor, to
commit on their calendars to a regular time to do their Step work; we
believe
weekly is best.
6. The Workshop, by moving couples through the Steps, gave an increasing
pool of couples available to sponsor within our local group, which in turn,
we believe, has helped our LA Group to grow.
7. Each monthly Workshop is centered on a particular Step and couples
are
encouraged to come no matter what Step they are working on.
Schedule for Monthly Step Workshop
2:00 to 2:20 PM:
Couples arrive, with the whole group we read: The Preamble, How It Works,
Parts 1 and 2, The 12 Steps of RCA and the Safety Guidelines
2:20 to 2:45 PM:
Couples are offered a chance to give brief 1-2 minute Check-in Shares. We
have found this gives couples a chance to get out their feelings, like fear
of working the Steps, and it provides a time for them to transition their
emotions and spirits to the Workshop.
2:45 to 3:00 PM:
Facilitating couple teaches how to work the Step for the month (for example,
February would be Step Two), answers any questions and asks if any couples
need help getting started on Step One or if any couples need help with a
Step
other than the Step just taught. If there are couples needing help to get
started on Step One the facilitating couple uses the time in the next
portion
of the workshop to work with these couples. If there are couples needing to
get started on Step One as well as couples needing help with another Step,
the Facilitators can ask any other experienced couple at the Workshop to
help
the couples with the other Steps. If no one needs help to get started on
Step
One, the facilitators can work with couples on other Steps. This time truly
becomes a "WORKSHOP".
3:00 to 3:30 PM:
Couples pair off, by themselves, to work on whichever Step they are on.
Facilitators can work with other couples needing help or on their own Steps.
3:30 to 3:45 PM:
Couples meet again as the whole group to ask questions, share or seek
additional help.
3:45 to 4:15 PM:
Couples pair off again and continue to work on their Step (same as 3:00 to
3:30 PM).
4:15 to 4:30 PM:
Couples meet again as a whole group to ask questions, plan the date, time
and
place of the next Workshop. Pass a basket for the Seventh Tradition. Close
with The Promises and The Unity Prayer.
Some further Ideas ... In LA we have found that Sunday afternoon, once a
month, is a good time for this workshop. We have changed the time, on
occasion, to 1:00 to 3:30 PM. We have also rotated houses among couples.
What has happened, for the most part, is that the Workshop has tended to
fall
on the same Sunday each month, currently that seems to be the third Sunday.
However, it does not have to be that way. We encourage whatever flexibility
seems best for the couples involved.
We have also found that experienced couples like to provide service by
offering their home as a place to meet and also come to be of service to
other newer couples who might need one-on-one help.
We hope you find our experience helpful.
RCA Phone Meeting
By Mike and Cindy
The RCA phone meeting began last August. The phone meeting allows
everyone access to RCA. It is for couples that do not have an RCA meeting
nearby, want to supplement their regular RCA meeting with another meeting,
or
like the convenience of attending RCA without having to leave home.
It 's different attending a meeting where you cannot see any other
couples, but it's also amazing how quickly couples adapt to the phone and
build friendships.
The meeting is conducted according to the RCA guidelines. We begin with
readings, do a check-in, and then pick a topic for discussion. We share
meeting leadership and practice the Seventh Tradition.
To find out how to attend RCA meetings by phone, contact Mike and Cindy
at (970) 882-4222 or e-mail us at cindydv@reanet.net
"Spanish RCA Web Site" Proofreader Needed!!!
By the RCA WSO Web Team
The RCA WSO Web team has translated the entire Web site into Spanish and
needs your help. Are you able to proofread documents written in the Spanish
language to verify grammar and syntax? Do you know someone who is capable
and willing to commit the time to do this?
While we have tried to maintain the integrity of the translation, we
realize the need for someone fluent in both languages to check for errors
-especially in regard to proper names, street addresses and verb
conjugation.
Please contact the Web masters at recovery42@yahoo.com or the RCA WSO
office
directly if you, or someone you know, is interested in this great
opportunity
for service work.
Please keep in mind that this will involve a lot of work. We would
prefer that the volunteer be a current member of RCA. Details will be
forwarded to interested parties. We hope to have this completed as soon as
possible so that our message can be shared with this vital segment of our
community.
Get Your RCA eNews Here!
RCA is very close to establishing an eNews subscription service. It may
even be up and running by the time you receive this issue of the Hand in
Hand.
If you would like to receive the latest eNews regarding when and where
new RCA meetings are being established, subscribe today. If you want to
know
when and where different RCA meetings and/or regions are planning special
activities, subscribe today. If you like to be kept abreast of the latest
eNews about RCA, then you want to subscribe today.
You can subscribe to this e-mail News Service by either sending an
e-mail
to RCAWSO@iname.com, or by visiting the RCA web site at
www.recovering-couples.org
Keep in touch. There is so much happening, you don't want to miss out!
Reflections Needed
There is a need for submission of new reflections for RCA couples by RCA
couples. Please take some time to think about it. RCA is YOUR group . "of,
for, and by the people" who are working the RCA program. You are being
asked
to determine what works for you and share your experience, strength, and
hope
with other couples.
Below is the format currently used in the RCA Reflections. Perhaps
your
coupleship will create one or more reflections and send them to me. Any
topic you feel is important to the recovery of a coupleship is fine.
This is the format for the present RCA Reflections:
Title: What topic the reflection is about.
Meditation about the topic: a few paragraphs about the topic.
For today
"I will ________": What the individual will do to work on this topic.
"We will_______": What we will do as a couple to work on this topic.
Send your reflections to the WSO by e-mail or snail mail.
A Few Topic Ideas
Working the RCA 12 Steps Together
Identifying Triggers
Conflict Resolution Contracts
Forgiving Our Self and Our Partner
Using "RCA Tools of Recovery"
In-laws and Outlaws
Ex-spouses and Step Children
Blended Families
Caring for Elderly Parents
Forgiving Our Families of Origin
Releasing Anger and Resentment
The Dance of Pursuer and Avoider
Intimacy
Finding and Making Quality Time
Balancing Work, Play and Relationship Time
Healthy Sexuality
Becoming a Healthy Role Model
Working the Steps
You, Me and the Children
Emotional Incest
Fostering Healthy Values
The Blame Game
The Lessons Our Partner Teaches
Money
Individual Recovery
Howdy From The "Big D"
By Chuck and Cindy
We are getting very excited about the upcoming 2001 RCA Convention here
in Dallas. As with past conventions, there are a lot of wonderful couples
dedicating a lot of LOVE to make this a very successful event. We will be
addressing the spiritual, emotional and physical aspects of our
relationships
and how we can achieve synergy by concentrating these three areas of
recovery
together.
The Sheraton Grand is a beautiful hotel and is only 10 minutes from the
Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport. In addition to the convention, there are many
things to see and do while in Dallas. The hotel is close to Six Flags Over
Texas, Texas Rangers Ballpark, a great water park and many other areas of
interest. In Dallas, you can enjoy visiting the Kennedy Museum, Dallas
Museum of Art, State Fair of Texas, J.R.'s ranch and numerous wonderful
places to eat. And the best Mexican food in the USA!!
Last year we attended our first RCA convention. It was really wonderful
to meet so many couples who are committed to their relationships and so
willing to share their experience, strength and hope. A vacation or
business
trip will never be the same because, everywhere we go, there will be couples
we know and who speak the same language. I know, I know, the Texas drawl
can
be a stretch!
There is a lot of LOVE waiting for you here in Dallas and we promise it
will be well worth the cost of the trip. Please bring any items you would
like to donate to the SILENT AUCTION and any art that you would like to
share
with everyone. Dust off those old boots and start packing for a wonderful
adventure on the path of continuing recovery. Be ready to have your heart
filled with joy.
See you in "Big D" partner.
Deep in the Heart of Texas
The RCA International Convention
"Trails Less Traveled"
August 10th - 12th, 2001
For Information or a brochure, contact the Trail Bosses, Cindy or Chuck G.
Phone: (972) 671-0457
E-mail: chuckgilmer@home.com
NEW!! Check this out .
www.rca-dallas.org
Fundraising Silent Auction
The book cover of "The Betrayal Bond" with original notes and worksheet is
22
1/4 by 29 inches tall. The author's notes make this a one of a kind
Recovery
Piece of Art!
Bids taken by W.S.O. 'til July 31st. All proceeds go to W.S.O.
A jpeg picture of the art is available on request. Call today!
(510) 336-3300
Open Letter to New RCA Couples
Posted to the RCA eGroup by Steve A./Edited
Thanks so much for your honesty and passion for recovery! Remember the
saying "When you reach the end of your rope, you're at the beginning of
God's
rope." Listen to all your thoughts, acknowledge all feelings, listen to
your
intuition, feel what's happening in your body. Share as much as you feel
safe sharing at meetings, with trusted spiritual friends. Take it all to
your Higher Power and leave it there for a while!
Pain and frustration can feel intolerable but force us out of deep ruts
and powerful habits. Let your Higher Power share the pain, frustration,
fear, blame, and anything else that feels overwhelming.
When I am at the end of my rope, I can make real progress by accepting
my
Higher Power's will for me. Many times I've found my Higher Power has much
more for me than I ask for or think I deserve. Your relationship will grow,
and stop, and grow, and stop, according to its own rhythm. You can try to
push the river or go with the flow. When it comes to growth-pain is
mandatory, suffering is optional!
Here's a suggestion-take what you like and leave the rest. When leaving
the relationship seems like your only healthy choice, take a break! Really!
Get away for a day or a weekend. Take a break from working on the
relationship. Just take care of you. Get your balance back. Stop thinking
your happiness depends on what your partner does or doesn't do. Do things
you love and that nurture you. I like to go sit by the sea or a river and
play my flute.
When you are rested, not HALTED (hungry, angry, lonely or tired), think
what attracted you to your partner. Remember when you first met, how you
felt and the loving things done for each other over the years. Turn your
partner over to your Higher Power; trust that s/he is doing the best s/he
can
at this time.
Before getting back to your relationship problems, ask your partner for
some time to share your thoughts and memories. Ask your Higher Power for
the
willingness to be kind and compassionate with yourself, your partner and the
relationship. Perhaps you will be able to look at the problems you are
facing
as allies, not adversaries.
Our first sponsor couple in RCA gave us similar advice when we were new
in recovery, so I'm passing it on, in love.
"God grant us the serenity...."
A Hearty Welcome To New RCA Meetings
Calgary, Alberta
Burbank, California/Thursdays
Encino, California/Sundays
Sacramento, California/Thursdays
Roswell, Georgia
Louisville, Kentucky
Detroit, Michigan
Fairfax, Virginia
Manassas, Virginia
Virginia Beach, Virginia/Saturdays
Disbanded Meetings
Manchester, CT
Miami, FL
New Iberia, LA
Tulsa, OK
Seventh Tradition Donations
11/12/2000 to 02/10/2001
Celebrating Partnership....................................$40.70
Eagan, Minnesota Friday Night RCA....................31.00
First Florida Group of RCA...................................47.00
Gilbert, AZ RCA..................................................23.60
Joint Venture Columbia, CA RCA.......................34.71
LA Area Monthly Step Meeting............................59.00
Largo, FL RCA....................................................23.00
Los Angeles, California PM Share Meeting.......142.77
Miracle Mountain RCA Of Wernersville, PA.........40.00
New Orleans RCA.............................................140.00
Nokomis RCA Of South Minneapolis....................25.00
Riverhead, New York Wednesday Night RCA....100.00
San Diego Saturday Grossmont RCA................100.00
San Rafael...........................................................10.00
Seattle, Washington Sunday 5 PM RCA Meeting... 200.00
Syracuse, NY Saturday Nite RCA Group..........200.00
Tri-County Michigan RCA...................................35.00
Wednesday Tucson, AZ.....................................100.00
OVERALL GROUP TOTAL........................$1,351.78
Included in the above donations is a group donation to the office
equipment fund of $31.75. Additionally there was one individual donation of
$75.00 to the office equipment fund as well as six people making eight
individual donations totaling $288.85.
The office thanks all of you for your ongoing financial support.
NOTICE: This accounting is not entirely up-to-date due to the change in the
WSO office location. A complete accounting will be included in the next
newsletter.
Starting Anew
We are like actors on this stage of life
Have completed many performances filled with strife
Each of us playing a role...
Being human and then letting it take its toll
Habitually as the victim or perpetrator
Sporadically exchanging our behavior
Both just as afflicted with our disease
One deceptively healthier ... to please
I choose to recover and become free
To be the way that God intended me
I forgive you for my pain
And invite you to do the same
Neither one of us is greater or less than the other
Instead with respect we could be looking out for each other
Giving up the shame with no more blame
Today, let us jointly end this inherent game
I wish to be your lover, wife and friend
As partners together - both equal to the end
There is a special place where both love and peace can be found
Somewhere in between -- on a middle ground
With letting go of the past and starting anew
I would like to share myself and my life with you
-Alexandra
A Letter of Love
On October 1999, we lost a very dear friend and RCA cosponsor. Babs
would urge her partner, Bill, to join us atop the West Virginia mountains
where they lived whenever we needed an emergency "summit meeting." And with
her partner, Babs "preached" the spiritual gospel of the RCA program.
Today,
we can still hear her words in our minds.
She'd say something like, "Regardless of our problems, with our Higher
Power's help, we can overcome our despair. There is a Plan, not known to
us,
that will help us climb out of the abyss."
Before we'd depart Bill, who became a minister after he got into
recovery, would send us off with an uplifting prayer reminding us that our
Higher Power blessed our union which was a holy sacrament in our Creator's
eyes.
Bless them both.
Now, she's gone on to another existence and he's moved back to his home
in the mid-West. And we sorely miss them. They were the only steady RCA
support system we ever had.
Tomorrow, we are expecting two new local couples to attend our little
RCA
group on the WVU campus. We hope we may share the same experience, strength
and hope that we were privileged to hear from our beloved cosponsors from
1995 to 1999
When we think of others for whom we are grateful, we think of Judy W.
who we met by phone in 1995 and who is no longer with us. How much we all
owe her! Another who encouraged us to begin RCA recovery, is one of RCA's
founders, Pat C., who spoke here on our campus in the summer of '95. He
inspired us to attend the first RCA convention - one of many to which we've
since traveled - which started our love affair with RCA!.
We hope other struggling couples will feel grateful when they see the
miracles RCA provides in their darkest hours of need. We will encourage
them
to trust "The Promises." Our Higher Power can do for us what we cannot do
for ourselves. No doubt about it. Babs B. was right!
Yours in Recovery,
K. C. and Richard H.
Morgantown, WV
"Mountaineer Healing Hearts" RCA group
"The Promise"
by Thorton Wilder,
From The Skin of Our Teeth
I didn't marry you because you were perfect.
I didn't even marry you because I loved you.
I married you because you gave me a promise.
That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine.
Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the
marriage.
And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected
them;
and it wasn't our love that protected them-it was that promise.
Monthly Themes
In the Vision 2000 survey, the Fellowship expressed a desire to receive
information that would make meetings more interesting and inspiring as well
as help in developing a perceived connection between local groups around the
world. Out of these desires grew the idea for monthly themes. Local groups
may decide to use these themes for meeting topics, meeting development aids
and for fund raising. By doing so, they will become one of many groups
worldwide focusing thought and energy on a single topic of value for
recovering couples.
Here are the themes for the next nine months:
July - The Critical "Parent"
August- Vulnerability
September - Mature Relationship
October - Pain as a Motivator
November - Our Higher Power
December - Character Defects
January - Forgiving Self and Partner
February- Addictions
March - Anger and Resentment
The Critical "Parent"
"That's not the way to do that!" Do I say those or similar words to my
partner? Do I constantly tell my partner that he doesn't do things "right"
and then try to tell him the "right" way? Is my way almost always the
"right" way? And his way almost always the "wrong" way?
If I constantly judge my partner by what I want her to do or say without
taking into consideration that she is an adult and perfectly capable of
making her own decisions and having her own thoughts, then I am acting as a
critical parent.
When a child is constantly judged by a critical parent as inadequate or
incapable, the child usually grows up with little or no self-esteem. As an
adult whose partner acts like a critical parent, it takes a lot of mental
and
emotional energy and health to overcome all the negative input.
Of course, everyone makes mistakes from time to time, but those are
opportunities for learning. As partners, we need to let the person we love
most in the world be an adult by treating him or her as an adult. Not as a
child to our parent.
Pointing my finger and playing the "your not good enough" game will not
change my partner for the better. It just drives a wedge between us and
destroys any opportunity for intimacy.
Healthy adults allow each other to be themselves, learn their own
lessons.
How does a person know if he or she acts like a critical parent? Well
just for one 24 hour day, try not to say one critical thing to your partner.
If you find yourself stopping yourself in mid-sentence or mid-thought many
times, then you are probably acting like a critical parent. But awareness
is
the first step in turning this destructive behavior around.
Vulnerability
Many of us have had a dog that is so comfortable and trusting that it
sleeps flat on it's back in the middle of the floor with it's legs all askew
and doesn't even open an eye when you step over it. Now that's
vulnerability!
That dog trusts that, no matter what, you will not harm it. This is
what
we strive for in relationship.
We want a relationship in which each partner trusts the other will never
purposely harm him or her. That is why we are in RCA. That is why we work
the 12 Steps together. Most of us have been bruised enough. Now we want
something different, something more nurturing.
Working the 12 Steps allows us to practice being honest, open and
vulnerable with our partner. We are able to communicate our true feelings
and express our deepest thoughts and discover that our partner doesn't
leave,
or judge us inadequate and foolish, or berate us for being who we are.
After the Steps are complete, we continue to practice vulnerability by
doing the Tenth Step on a daily basis. We also pray and meditate together,
which is a very intimate thing to do and enhances our vulnerability.
Some of us meet every day to talk about how we've been feeling that day.
Others have weekly meetings. Many RCA partners hold family meetings with
their children and become role models for honesty, intimacy and
vulnerability. Hopefully then, the next generation will not be quite so
fearful and closed up as we have been in the past.
Mature Relationship
In the beginning of a relationship, there is passion. Often the passion
and sexual energy are what drive the relationship. But as a relationship
matures, other things become as important and, eventually, more important
than the physical aspect.
Working together to improve our lives and reach our goals, being able to
talk about anything, feeling loved and loving, having a best friend who
really cares about me and is committed to me, all these are more important
than sex in a mature relationship.
This wasn't always true, but it is now. My partner knows me better than
anyone else in the whole world and we are both committed to being together.
We can enjoy and relate to each other, not only physically, but
intellectually, emotionally and spiritually as well. We now want to stay
together and have made a pact that we will do whatever it takes to overcome
any issue ... that no issue will ever be more important than our
relationship.
What's interesting is anyone can have a mature relationship at any age.
But most of us have to take conscious steps to grow our relationship.
This doesn't happen overnight. It takes a lot of hard work on both our
parts. It takes the 12 Steps of RCA. It takes good sponsors. It takes a
lot of meetings, both RCA and individual 12 Step meetings. And still
relationships have their ups and downs. But when we're in a mature
relationship we know that we will survive them because our relationship is
healthy and committed.
Share Your Experience, Strength and Hope
Send your thoughts about coupleship issues, in 300 words or less, to be
published in the Hand in Hand.
Send to the WSO or E-mail to: WolfSongMe@aol.com.