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Chairman's Letter, Mark M., Chairman, Board of Trustees
RCA is a unique fellowship in that it is a program which requires two people to make it work. Moreover it requires a commitment from both partners to work together and, at the same time, work their personal programs. This extra commitment makes RCA a more difficult program to work even though it is a simple program.
Partners do not both recover at the same rate. They have differing commitments to individual recovery and to couple recovery. The need for patience and respect by each partner for the other is not a requirement for membership in other fellowships.
RCA members have to deal with their own issues and their partner's as well—a sometimes daunting task. On top of those issues members deal with issues that are unique to the coupleship. That is a lot to deal with, and is "...a tall order".
RCA meetings are a safe place to talk about those issues. The key to recovery for the couple is a willingness to follow the rules, the program and, as in any 12 Step program, get humble. Sponsorship and a willingness to change are the keys. The willingness comes from our decision to change and move in a new direction. Seeing other couples who have "been there and done that" makes us realize RCA does work... it works if we work it.
Acting respectful to others in the fellowship is important too.
Humility and the realization that we are all humans is critical to recovery. Some meetings have rules which prohibit cross talk or rebuttals, limit the time for sharing and prohibit couples from shaming or blaming each other in the meetings.
There must be a safe place to learn how to have respectful conflict and learn conflict resolution skills. Patience with yourself and your partner is also very import-ant. It is helpful to see others who have already learned these skills within RCA and how they have implemented these skills.
The promise of the program is that if you work the Steps you and your partner will recover. The proof of the promises are the successes of the program, couples with healthy, positive relationships who are growing together...one day at a time.
WSO Manager's Report
Hand in Hand subscription forms and RCA group update forms were sent to all Group Contact Couples. The Hand in Hand newsletter will be sent, free-of-charge, to all couples who are members of an RCA group and request a subscription.
The WSO responds to 10 to 12 inquiries a week from the RCA web page which receives an average of 150 hits per week.
Treasurer's Report
The treasurer reported that because Seventh Tradition donations have become fewer and fewer, the WSO had to go into the reserve cash fund to cover expenses during the last quarter. Only a few RCA groups contribute to WSO regularly while a few others contribute when reminded of the WSO's need for money to continue providing services. The majority of RCA groups seldom contribute to WSO.
The treasurer felt that it was important for all groups to make some financial contribution since RCA must be self supporting through our own contributions as stated in our Seventh Tradition. He would like to see each group make a monthly contribution since this would help maintain RCA's cash flow and allow for accurate budgeting.
The board thought that RCA members should know that other 12 Step groups pay their board members' expenses. Not RCA... board members pay all of their own expenses to travel to board meetings, including airfare, hotel bills and meal expenses. Each board couple currently donates in excess of $3,000 each year.
A letter will go to each Group Representative from the WSO indicating what their group has contributed and offer help in fund raising should the group need it. Feedback on how to encourage groups to contribute will be solicited from the Regional Liaison Couples.
RCA Conventions
The board vice chairperson is the liaison with the RCA Convention Committee which acts as an autonomous entity much like an RCA group.
The 1997 RCA Convention will be held in San Jose, California, on October 17, 18 and 19 at the Radisson Plaza Hotel. All groups will receive a mailing about the convention in June and information will be posted at the RCA web site.
The board was asked to respond to some questions the 1997 Convention Committee had about timing for the board meetings, Regional Liaison meeting, the Open Business meeting, RCA meetings, and addressing controversial issues. The board made suggestions which will be returned to the committee.
The board also suggested that the Convention Committee consider a pot luck dinner and RCA meeting to be held on Thursday prior to the convention for couples arriving early. The board thought it would be appropriate to have a display of the RCA Archives which have been collected by and are under the care of Bob F. in California. These ideas will be presented to the 1997 Convention Committee.
The 1998 RCA Convention will be held in Minnesota. It was reported that planning for this convention is in the preliminary stages, but moving forward.
The board voted to award the 1999 RCA Convention to Florida after receiving an excellent proposal from the St. Petersburg/Tampa Bay area.
The Los Angeles community is interested in hosting a future convention, perhaps in 2000 or 2001.
Structure Committee Report
The Structure Committee suggested that the board begin setting up subcom-mittees with members from the RCA fellowship to carry out specific projects. Board members could/would serve on these subcommittees, but not necessarily be the chairperson. Subcommittees would not only provide the board with a wealth of information and experience from throughout the entire fellowship, but would help give long-term committees continuity from one board to the next. Another benefit would be that members of RCA who cannot be on the board would be able to serve at the international level through subcommittee work.
Literature Committee Report
It was reported that we have fewer than 500 copies of the big book, Recovering Couples Anonymous: A 12 Step Program for Couples, so preparations will begin for revising it before republication. Corrections or suggestions for revisions from the fellowship should be directed to the WSO in writing by letter, fax or e-mail. A strategy for marketing the big book was determined to be necessary. Anyone interested in serving on this subcommittee should also contact the WSO.
The Literature Committee sent a letter to Regional Liaison Couples asking them to help solicit a subcommittee to begin working on a 12 and 12. Any individual or couple in the RCA fellowship may serve on this committee. Interested individuals should contact the WSO. By the next board meeting in August, the subcommittee will formulate a plan on how they will accomplish their goal, submit it to the Literature Committee which in turn will report to the WSO Board.
A process for evaluating and revising the Suggested Reading List and adding a brief review for each book is being developed. The list will eventually be distributed to all RCA groups and be posted at the RCA web site. Additions to the list will be solicited from the fellowship.
Recovery Committee Report
A "Welcome Brochure" is being developed to attract couples to the RCA program. The committee believes that the best way to attract new groups and members is through the web site and by one-to-one contact. The committee will focus its future work on these two areas.
Fund Raising Committee Report
The lack of Seventh Tradition donations was a source of major concern to the Fund Raising Committee. Many suggestions were made to encourage new ways of honoring the Seventh Tradition and other ways of fund raising. Some of these included:
It Takes Three Project... look for this in the mail;
Group Garage Sales and Other Fund Raisers;
Couple Anniversary Donations;
Gratitude Donations;
Increase Convention Attendance;
Add RCA Special Occasion Cards in the RCA Store;
Add other specialty items in the RCA Store.
Diversity Committee Report
A program on couple diversity, "Why Can't You Be Normal? More Like Me," will be presented at the 1997 Convention and, perhaps, a skit on this topic Saturday evening.
English to Spanish translation of much of the RCA literature is underway. Anyone wishing to help translate literature into another language should contact WSO.
Vision 2000 Committee Report
Results of the Fellowship Survey are being computed. The question, "A goal that I would like to see Recovering Couples Anonymous pursue or a dream that I have for RCA is:" has been compiled. The board will begin using this information in their committees and subcommittees to set goals and address the needs of the fellowship. The convention committees will also receive this information so that they can use it in designing programs.
The Regional Liaison Couples will be contacted to help the board address several of the goals and dreams expressed in the survey.
Several suggestions for topics for literature and/or information also came out of the survey including "Most Frequently Asked Questions About RCA" and "Creating a Safe Meeting."
Communications Committee Report
The committee chairperson is looking for an assistant editor to help solicit articles from the fellowship for each issue of Hand in Hand. This would involve contacting RCA members by telephone or e-mail about two weeks before the copy deadline and following up on members who indicate they will contribute an article. The Hand in Hand editor would prefer that the assistant editor have access to e-mail, but it is not required. Interested individuals would contact the WSO to volunteer for this important position.
A new feature column, "Ask Dr. Z," will appear in the Hand in Hand. Dr. Z will answer questions about RCA meetings, board decisions, structure, etc. Dr. Z's answers will be based on the RCA board's group conscience and RCA history.
The board of directors will meet next in August in New England. New Meetings Welcome To:
In addition, there were 11 donations made by 9 different couples or individuals.
"The essence of synergy is to value differences, to respect them, to build on strengths."
STEPHEN COVEY
July is RCA Garage Sale Month
By Signe C.
Have you ever felt that the clutter was getting the better of you?
Well, here is your opportunity to let go of past baggage and help
out the World Service organ-ization... donate the proceeds from your
garage sale to RCA.
Gratitude to RCA is frequently expressed by couples at meetings,
but do you give back to RCA as much as it has given you? Here is your
chance. Get together with your home group or do your own thing. Remember
every little bit helps.
Keep your eye out for a flyer telling more about this event.
Questions? Call Signe C. at (510) 530-2786.
A big thank you from the Fund Raising Committee. That's it for now.
Let me know how it goes.
RCA brings the talents of many people together. There are professionals
and laborers, caregivers and artisans, people of all walks of life.
Each person who provides service for RCA helps carry the message that
is RCA to other couples who are still in pain. Service is therapeutic.
Both members of the couple have the chance to work on a positive project
for the good of the coupleship and the fellowship. A win win situation.
That is why I am asking the fellowship for some help. We have a
big book that will soon be republished in it's fourth edition. We
are very proud of this accomplish-ment. The board of trustees have
already redesigned it to be more easily sold and used including a
smaller size and more convenient format.
The blue RCA big book is the essence of the fellowship in writing.
We hope to make the book more available to people who are involved
in recovery and to people who are not.
To do so we need ideas from our members on how to "get out
the message of RCA." We want to make our book available to more
people and in that way allow the fellowship to grow. We need people
with experience in marketing 12 Step and recovery materials, or others
who wish to help, to contact WSO with their experience, strength and
hope.
Together we can bring the RCA message to many more who may benefit
from our experience in recovery.
RCA sponsorship is a tricky thing. It is difficult enough to line
up two compatible personalities in the roles of sponsor and sponsee
in the more traditional 12 Step fellowships such as AA, OA, NA, MA,
Alanon, SLAA, CoDA, etc. But in RCA, we are dealing with a matrix
of four personalities! (Actually, it is more like SIX personalities.
Each relationship has its own personality as well as that of each
of its participants!) However, as with all else in recovery, sponsorship
need not be done perfectly; it need only be done sincerely to the
best of one's ability.
Another difficulty with RCA sponsorship is the fact that we have
no real "old-timers." Pat and I have been with RCA since
the beginning in California, and if we count every day in RCA as recovery
time, Pat and I would still have only a little over eight years of
relationship "sobriety." Since Pat and I were separated
as recently as last November-December, it is clear that we don't have
much relationship "sobriety" at all. But we are still together
today, and we model perseverance in the relationship, if nothing else!
No one has had a lot of quality sober time in RCA, so as yet there
are no stable long term models of RCA sobriety. In many ways we are
the "blind leading the blind." But some of us have learned
a few things, and we try to convey that know-ledge to those who are
even "greener" than we.
And some of us practice "peer" sponsorship, where neither
couple has as much relationship sobriety as they would like, but they
take turns helping each other through the steps and the predictable
crises of a relationship. The miracle is that even that works. Because
if one works the Steps sincerely in the presence of another couple
you tend to get better. It would be nice to have couples with 25 years
of quality sobriety as sponsors, but in the meantime, we will just
have to trust the Steps and help each other.
One of the "glues" which hold "good" meetings
together is that the meeting becomes a "community" in and
out of recovery. The members do things together becoming friends and
intentional families. Sponsorship is an intensification of that sense
of community and intentional family. In a good sponsor/sponsee relation,
the whole relationship intensifies and deepens. If the "good"
meeting is an intentional community, the "good" sponsor/sponsee
relationship becomes an intentional family within that community.
In Pat's and my none too humble opinions, it is all about learning
to let go and trust; to risk failing ourselves or being disappointed
in others. Intentional community and intentional family are the beginnings
of intentional love.
Join the adventure. Become a sponsor. Get a sponsor. And work those
Steps!
People become partners, not because they are so much alike, but
often because one has something that the other admires or that is
complimentary. When promising commitment to a partner, it is our hope
that we will learn how our partner deals with those things that can
baffle us. Nevertheless, as life goes on we find ourselves at odds
with our partner.
The differences can loom large. Perhaps you like to plan for the
future, your partner wants to be present and live each moment to its
fullest potential. As years or even months pass, you find yourself
saying, "If only, you could only be more like me."
It is hard to understand what makes our partner "tick"
especially if its not what turns us on or satisfies us. Some couples
have taken personality tests, such as Myers Briggs, and learned about
the various typologies into which people can be categorized. In the
process maybe they have found out that indeed they are two very different
two very unique individuals.
For example, one partner tends to express feelings with great sensitivity,
while the other partner wants to reason it out and be less emotional.
In a group, one always has something to say. The other ponders deeply
and may not say anything. One may like thinking his way through poetry,
and she wants to keep track of the basketball tournament scores.
If this sounds at all familiar, you have found after a few years
of being together through thick and thin that you seem to have chosen
someone who is DIFFERENT than you are. Contrary to popular beliefs,
there is no such thing as a perfectly matched couple. Everyone of
us participates in RCA because we have our own family-of-origin issues
and personality types which we have brought into our coupleship. Everyone
of us has ideals and illusions that our coupleship should be a certain
way.
The more each of us tries to get our partner to be some certain
way, the more our communication will tend to break down. Loneliness
returns and maybe anger and resentment, too.
Valuing Difference Within Our Couple-ship: it is valuable to accept
everything about our partner, ESPECIALLY the way(s) our partner is
very different. It is best if this acceptance of the other, begins
with full acceptance of the self.
Recovering Couples Anonymous suggests: Do the Steps. Maintain your
commitment and Intimacy. Respect each other's boundaries and allow
your mutual love to heal one another. And, remember always that it
is okay to have respectful conflict. Partners need to go to meetings
and listen to the Preamble and 12 Steps over and over again. And,
practice the tools of recovery.
Marketing Mavens and Moguls. Men and women needed to help develop marketing plan for socially important publication commonly called the RCA big book. No experience necessary, but must be enthusiastic and creative in a business sort of way. Help carry the message by calling the phone the # above and volunteering.
7th
Tradition Donations from individuals and couples are
welcomed by RCA. Many couples contribute financially to the WSO directly
because they want to express their gratitude for RCA as a whole. If
you'd like to express your gratitude to RCA, you may mail your gift
to RCA WSO, P.O. Box 11872, St. Louis, MO 63105.
Tradition One
Our common welfare should come first: couple recovery
depends upon RCA unity. by Juneanne K.
Our group has a monthly business meeting with an open agenda and
a requirement to be present to have the item be discussed. Early in
recovery I thought that anything I put on the agenda would be approved
of by all the members especially my partner. What a wake up call when
I looked over and saw my partner voting against my agenda item along
with the majority of those present at the meeting!!!
How many times have incidents like this happened to you and your
coupleship?? here are some questions for us to ask ourselves that
will give us a better understanding of how to work this Tradition
in our lives.
Information (408) 688-6137
Friday Night Speakers
RCA members, Catherine and Kathleen, will be featured
speakers at the Convention on Friday night. They will share their
knowledge about different communication styles. The audience will
be given information about why, so often, we have difficulty communicating
with our partners and how understanding our partner's communication
style can help our coupleship.
Silent Auction Items Needed
Without the Annual Silent Auction at the convention
each year, the WSO would not be able to remain "in the black."
Not only do your contributions add to the FUN of the convention, they
are vital to the WSO's health.
RCA does not endorse any of the products donated to the auction.
RCA stays within the Traditions of our program and follows the convention
guidelines. So, with these rules in mind, get creative and decide
what you would like to donate.
Silent auction items may either be brought to the convention or
mailed to:
Dear Hand in Hand:
(We) learned that the... keynote (RCA Convention) speakers, Joyce
and Barry V., were not members of RCA. I was both surprised and outraged.
Not only do I believe this to be a tradition's violation and an anonymity
violation, but also a direct slap in the face to the fellowship of
RCA as a whole.
I am sure the speakers are very credible and competent ..., but
they are not members of RCA. They will not speak of "what we
used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now."
Too many couples in RCA already treat meetings like a therapy session,
refusing to do the steps and continuing to go nowhere.
To not have RCA couples share their experience strength and hope
in this format is an insult to the fellowship. It sends the message
that we're not good enough. Our literature does not say, "through
therapy and the twelve steps we recover." It says, "through
working the 12 steps of RCA we recover." By having non members
be keynote speakers at our convention we lose credibility with all
12 step programs.
Yours in recovery, Paul V.
Ask Dr. Z
This column marks the beginning of a new feature in
the Hand In Hand. Answers to questions and issues that come to the
WSO and/or the board that have value to the entire fellowship will
be published here. Doctor Z, an anonymous persona based on the Steps,
Traditions, Concepts and the board's group conscience, will be the
"answerer." Because of the space limitations, letters may
not be printed, but the gist of them will provide the impetus for
the ASK DR. Z response.
The first issue concerns several letters that have come to the WSO
and Hand in Hand regarding featured speakers at RCA conventions. There
are some who say that using featured speakers who are not members
of RCA violates tradition.
Since the first board was formed, the policy of each board on this
issue has been unique to RCA. Dr. Patrick Carnes, whose pioneering
work with the "We Came To Believe" program, was the impetus
that fostered the first RCA group in Minnesota in the fall of 1988.
Dr. Carnes, as an individual, has been the featured speaker at a number
of RCA conventions and others, such as Dr. John Friel and his wife
and partner, Linda Friel, MA, have been key presenters as well. These
"outside" speakers have always brought a valuable perspective
to the issues surrounding relationship recovery. A reading of the
introductory material of the "big book" of RCA provides
the following sentence of philosophy: "RCA is a tool for recovery
and not an end in itself."
This history is really the predominant "tradition" surrounding
this issue. As for the convention program, the WSO board and office
provides only general guidelines regarding the annual convention.
One of those is that the Convention Committee, which is the convention
host-city group providing the convention on behalf of RCA, has the
option to use outside speakers who they decide might provide other
"tools" useful to couple recovery.
Generally, WSO boards have acknowledged that RCA couples are best
served by providing a solid program based on our 12 Step process without
ignoring the fact that other useful, helpful information is constantly
being developed. There is the realization that AA would not have developed
without the founders pulling together much outside religious and secular
professional material. Other 12 Step programs that have followed,
including RCA, owe much to AA and its steps, publications, principles,
concepts and traditions. However, much is owed to the pioneering of
professionals in related fields as well.
Perhaps the key link to the stated traditions is that the Convention
Committee as a group has much the same autonomy as has each local
group.
This issue has drawn criticism since the very early years of RCA.
It comes up yearly as board business and is evaluated by each board
in turn. The present and previous two boards have agreed that the
local Convention Committee's decision regarding outside speakers will
be honored. The board concurs that the Convention Committee has honored
the boards' mandate to provide the setting for an excellent recovery
experience for those attending the conference. The vice chair of the
RCA board of trustees is the liaison between the local committee,
its work and the WSO Board.
If you have a question for ASK DR Z, please send it to Hand in Hand
c/o WSO.
When we adhere to our First Tradition we can all experience a sense
of safeguarding our group's welfare and leave meetings with a feeling
of hope and belonging.