Recovering Couples Anonymous
Official World Service Organization Website

Hand in Hand

A Publication of Recovering Couples Anonymous World Service Organization
VOLUME 6, NO. 4

Contact The RCA World Service Office
By Phone
(314) 830-2600

By Fax
(314) 830-2670

By E-Mail
RCAWSO@iname.com

Web Site
http:/www.recovering-couples .org

Snail Mail
P.O. Box 11872, St. Louis, MO 63105

What's Happening At W.S.O.

by Fran D., secretary
WSO Board of Trustees

The Pre-Convention Meeting
The RCA Pre-Convention Board of Trustees meeting was held in San Jose, California on October 17, 1997.

CONTRACTS FOR CONSULTANTS

The Board discussed the issues surrounding the hiring of more than one paid consultant to carry out the work of the World Service Office. The Board voted to contract with two consultants, to be designated the World Service Office Manager and the Special Projects Consultant, and stipulated a cap on the total number of hours they may bill WSO. The monthly allocation of hours between the two consultants shall be defined and approved by the Executive Committee.

New books/binders of pertinent RCA information were provided for each Board member so that everyone would have the necessary tools to do their job on the Board. Those board members retiring from the Board turned over their books for the new members who would be elected at the convention.

FINANCIAL STATEMENTS & BUDGET REPORT

The Office manager presented financial information for July, August and September of 1997 and a partial October 1997 statement.

The Treasurer presented comparison charts for actual vs. budgeted figures for fiscal years 7/1/96 -6/30/97 and 7/1/95 - 6/30/96. The quarterly group financial report that was mailed to each group regarding their WSO contributions was presented and discussed.

Ways to increase the Seventh Tradition donations were discussed. Results of the Vision 2000 Survey, which indicated that the Fellowship wanted to be asked and educated about the WSO’s need for and use of funds, were read.

The Board voted to have the Fundraising Committee develop Suggested Contributions literature. The literature would recommend a group contribution, as a percentage of the total Seventh Tradition funds collected, and show how the contributions are used at WSO to carry the message of RCA. The literature would be included in the Starter Packet.

It was also noted that local and regional Special Events raise money for WSO
and should continue to be encouraged.

Other suggestions to increase Seventh Tradition donations were:

• to encourage Regional Liaison couples to communicate the WSO’s financial needs to meetings in their regions via phone calls and/or in person;
• to find ways to help maintain and expand existing meetings and begin new meetings in areas where none now exist.

WEB SITE SUB-COMMITTEE

There was a discussion about information currently available on the RCA Web Site and ideas for additions to that information. It was determined that a policy on what may and may not be included on the Web Site is needed. The sub-committee will investigate options and it will be placed on the agenda of a future board meeting. Until a policy is developed, the Web Site will remain as is.

< The Vision 2000 Committee announced that a report on the outcome of the every member survey was being presented at the convention on Saturday, October 18. An additional presentation was to be made to the new Board at their meeting on Sunday.

Copies of AA’s Fellowship Survey brochure, which is updated every 6 six years , was distributed. This format for disseminating the information to the AA Fellowship worked well and the chair announced that a sample RCA Vision 2000 brochure would be available at the Saturday presentation.

A sub-committee of the Vision 2000 committee is developing monthly themes for local RCA groups to use during the coming year. The information will be available on the RCA Web Site, in the Hand in Hand and from the WSO. The Fundraising Committee will be able use the themes to help develop their projects and materials.

The thrust of the Structure Committee this year is to look at encouraging he ongoing involvement of members retiring from the Board and to help prepare other members of the Fellowship for Board service by involving them in Board committee work.

It was announced that literature is available describing and defining Board service and that current Board members should make every effort to get this information to any couple at the convention who might be interested in serving on the Board.

BOARD SKIT

A humorous skit for the Board to perform at the convention was written by an RCA member who writes for a living. The Board set times to rehearse so they would do the script justice. They also voted to send a note of thanks for this valuable contribution.

Mark, the RCA Board chair, and Ana Maria, his partner, shared that they have enjoyed serving on Board and thanked all Board members for their dedication, hard work and commitment.

The Open Business Meeting

The RCA Open Business Meeting was held on October 17, and led by Mark M., WSO Board chairman.

Mark presented a WSO Board overview. The WSO Treasurer’s Report was given by Mark M. and Ken K. and discussed by RCA members present. Judy W. presented the WSO Office Manager’s report.

WSO COMMITTEE REPORTS

LITERATURE, presented by Pat M.
FUND RAISING, presented by Signe C.
STRUCTURE, presented by Karl S.
RECOVERY, presented by Juneanne K.
DIVERSITY, presented by Catherine S.
VISION 2000, presented by Glenn A. and Mike C.
COMMUNICATIONS, presented by Diane A.
WEB-SITE SUB-COMMITTEE, presented by Mike D.
Committee information and reports are presented throughout the Hand in Hand.

BY-LAW CHANGE

The proposed RCA by-law change, which would have reduced the required mnimum number of Board meetings from four to three, was read and discussed. Ideas presented include:
• Extend the pre- or post-convention Board meetings to a full day so that the
proposed reduction in Board meetings from four to three would still provide
the time necessary to accomplish all tasks;
• Encourage Board members to do more work between meetings;
• Have sub-committees for each Board committee so work would be spread out
among more individuals and get done between meetings;
• Expand the Board’s and committee member’s use of e-mail for better
communication;
• The number of meetings does not need to be reduced since Board members only
have to attend 3 meetings a year under the existing by-laws;
• Sub-committees are only in place and functioning on two Board committees;
all committees should have sub-committees before we go to three meetings a
year;
• There hasn’t been enough time for the Fellowship to process this change;
• Why are the number of Board meetings in the by-laws? Shouldn’t the Board
determine how many meetings it needs to accomplish its goals?;
• We need to have a delegates’ meetings like other 12 Step Fellowships;
• The Board could meet in the middle of the country, at the same hotel every
time, to cut down expenses.

A motion was made to vote on changing the by-law as proposed. The vote failed to carry the majority so the by-law remains unchanged with the minimum number of Board meetings remaining at four each year.

FELLOWSHIP REPORTS

The Washington, DC Area Group voted not to use the RCA “It Takes Three” Pyramid. They feel it gives the impression that it takes $3.00 to come to RCA. This group also voted to express their opinion that having a non-RCA speaker at the Convention violates the 7th Tradition.

A communication from couples in Stockholm, Sweden who have started an RCA meeting was read. The founding couples discovered RCA on the Internet. One couple visited the United States and attended a meeting in St. Petersburg, Florida and spent several days with an RCA couple there. English speaking members of the Swedish group are meeting for pot luck dinners during which they translate RCA literature. They e-mail questions about words and phrases that they don’t understand to the RCA couple in Florida.

The Post-Convention Meeting

The RCA Post-Convention Board of Trustees meeting was held on October 17, and led by Mark M., WSO Board chairman.

VISION 2000

The Vision 2000 Committee presented an overhead projector slide presentation of the results of the every member survey. They also distributed a mock up of a brochure for disseminating the results of the survey to the Fellowship.

The Board will use information from the Vision 2000 every member survey to set goals and objectives for the coming years and to guide them in making decisions about issues that come before them.

NEW OFFICERS ELECTED

The incoming 1997-1998 Board of Trustees voted for new officers to serve the RCA Fellowship. They are:
Chairman - Steve A.
Vice Chairman - Ron P.
Secretary - Fran D.
Treasurer - Kenneth K.

NEW COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS

The following committee assignments were made:
Communications - Mike D.
Web Site - Ron P.
Literature - Jennifer
Fundraising - Signe C.
Structure - TBA
Recovery Meetings/Vision 2000 - Isabella, Juneanne K. and Al
Diversity - Catherine and Kathleen

1998 BOARD MEETING SCHEDULE

Board meetings will be held on the following dates in the following cities:

January 24 & 25: Phoenix, AZ;
April 18 & 19: Los Angeles, CA;
July 31, August 1 & 2: Minneapolis, MN.

The Chairman's Letter

by Steve A., chairperson
WSO Board of Trustees

Fall is in the air!! This Fall we experienced a first in RCA — our first CTOBER Convention which was held in San Jose! It was well attended and very successful. If you have never attended an RCA Convention, you will have another opportunity next summer! From July 31 — August 2, in Minneapolis, the 8th Annual RCA Convention will celebrate 10 years of RCA! Plan to be there for a great recovery experience!

An event at every annual convention is the election of new WSO Board members to replace retiring couples who have served a two year term. The new Board then elects officers for the year. This year I have the privilege of serving you as chairperson. My duties include, but are not limited to:
• defining the agenda for each of our quarterly board meetings;
• chairing board meetings as well as the open business meeting at the annual
convention;
• overseeing and working closely with the WSO manager to ensure we provide
services according to RCA traditions, policies and group conscience;
• creating new, or Ad Hoc, committees to serve according to the needs of the
Fellowship;
• facilitating Board decisions between meetings as necessary;
• helping the Board develop and maintain a long range vision;
• seeking a balance between what we want to do and what we can practically
accomplish with available resources.

I will need all the help I can get!

Please pray for me and the other board members as we attend to the business of RCA and seek to expand and enrich our Fellowship. When you feel there is something of which I need to be aware, please write, call or e-mail me via the WSO office. I need to hear from you to stay in touch with the Fellowship and get “reality checks.”

Some of the Board’s goals and objectives for this year are:
1) Support the growth of the fellowship;
2) Implement the wishes and recommendations, as expressed by the Fellowship,
in the Vision 2000 survey;
3) Continue development of the RCA Web Site (www.recovering-couples.org);
4) Revision of the RCA blue book;
5) Develop and write an RCA 12 + 12;
6) Develop a Regional Liaison Couple job description;
7) Support and encourage local and regional events, retreats and conferences;
8) Expand our outreach through telephone sponsoring;
9) Create material on “How to Start an RCA Meeting” and “How to Keep Your RCA
Meeting Alive and Well”;
10) Support the Minneapolis fellowship in making the ’98 Convention a success;
11) Support our newly crafted RCA Diversity Philosophy Statement.

Signe, my partner of 8+ years, and I have been members of RCA for nearly as long as we have been in a committed relationship. Our home group meets on Sunday nights in Oakland, Ca. I am very grateful to RCA for the help, support and recovery our relationship has received in our years of working this program together. We have learned how to use the tools of recovery to build a healthy relationship. The role modeling and experience, strength and hope of all of you support us each 24 hours. Thank you for showing up and being willing to work the RCA program!

I look forward to sharing my thoughts, feelings and point of view as this year‘s WSO Board chair. Keep coming back — IT WORKS! Support your local meeting. If you don’t have one - start one. We’ll be glad to help.

Celebrate Partnership - A Decade of Caring, Communication & Commitment

by Kevin S.

Join us for the next Recovering Couples Anonymous convention in Minneapolis, Minnesota on July 31 through August 2, 1998. Minneapolis is one of the most livable cities in the world, and we have selected a superb location for the convention, right in the heart of the city, on Nicollet Mall. There will be lots to do, both program related and city related.

We are busy putting together what we think will be a great program that will carry forward the spirit of San Jose. Watch the Hand In Hand for more details as they become available. To receive a registration form now, contact the WSO.

RCA Has A Web Master!

The RCA Board of Trustees has recognized the growing importance of RCA’s site on the World Wide Web to effectively reach out to couples who still suffer. The web site also provides a way to communicate with the RCA fellowship and the web masters of other 12 Step Fellowships with an online presence. Therefore, the RCA Board has appointed Kevin S. as RCA’s Web Master. If you have questions, comments or suggestions concerning our Web Site, you can e-mail Kevin at ‹sci@gartland.com›. The Web Site is ‹http://www.recovering-couples.org/›. Check it out!

If any RCA member is interested in helping to identify improvements to the Web Site and/or to identify how the World Wide Web can be better used to assist the fellowship, why not join the Web Site Sub-Committee? If you are interested, just send an e-mail to the committee chair at ‹cmdennis@pen.ci.santa-monica.ca.us›.

Show Me the Money!

by Kenneth K., treasurer

The Annual Financial Report was presented to the Fellowship at the Annual RCA Convention and submitted to the WSO for your information. A total of 110 Seventh Tradition donations were received from 38 of the 66 registered RCA Groups. This represents 57% of the total RCA groups. The total amount contributed was $7,859.34.

In addition, there were 61 individual donations made to RCA by 33
individuals or couples totaling $2,998.27. Some of these were earmarked for certain projects and others went into general operating funds.

There were six special events held by members of RCA in which $1,540.35 was
raised and donated to WSO.

RCA THANKS EACH AND EVERY GROUP FOR YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS which enable the WSO Office to maintain the day-to-day office operations which are necessary to support and carry the RCA message. Your contributions help the WSO ensure the growth of RCA by promptly providing all of the requested recovery tools to individuals, couples, meetings and professionals.

Groups, we need you! You are RCA. In the Vision 2000 every member survey your number one dream was that RCA grow and become stronger. In order to make this dream come true, the WSO office needs the funds to print and distribute the messages of RCA recovery. The WSO Board is in the process of developing literature about how much and what percentage of Seventh Tradition donations groups should send to WSO. This information will be in the next Hand in Hand.

Each RCA group was sent a “How We Did as a Whole” summary of their Seventh Tradition contributions for the Fiscal Year

7/1/96 through 6/30/97. In the next issue of Hand in Hand, I plan to list all RCA group contributions to WSO for the fiscal year.

Because a picture is worth a thousand words, I have prepared a chart so that you can see our monthly Income and Expenses (7/1/96-6/30/97).

As you can see, the “tall” spike dated 9/96 towering above all other monthly figures represents the moneys we receive from our largest source of revenue – THE ANNUAL CONVENTION.

The convention held in San Jose, in October 1997, was very successful. The numbers are currently being processed and I look forward to sharing with the Fellowship the Convention Committee’s contribution to the World Service Organization. AGAIN, thank you San Jose RCAers for putting on such a wonderful convention.

Fundraising With Appeal

by your Fundraising Committee

The Fundraising Committee is getting off to a great start with the Holiday Appeal!!! Each Coupleship will soon receive in the mail a way to express your gratitude to RCA at this Season of giving and sharing. November is gratitude month and it is a time to show our support for RCA, so that we can continue to reach couples who are still suffering and help our fellowship to grow. It is only through your contributions that the work of RCA can be done. Remember, “we are fully self supporting, declining outside contributions.”

The other project that has been completed is the Birthday Gratitude envelope!!! Couples can now express their gratitude to RCA on their Couple Recovery Birthday/Anniversary by sending a donation in the envelope to WSO. Please let Judy at WSO know how many envelopes your group will need and she will mail them out to your Group Contact Couple.

Thank you for all your love and support. May you all have a ’98 of joy and recovery!!!

Vision 2000 Survey Synopsis

Who We Are!

We are a diverse community!
• Age 29 - 75+
• Married 1.2 times and had 1.4 significant relationships
• Income $10,000 to more than $100,000
• Most heard of RCA from friends
• On average we are members of 1.5 other 12 Step programs
• In current relationship less than 6 months to 35+ years
• Recovery as a couple from less than 6 months to 7 years on average.
• Attend 3 RCA meetings per month
• 56% are working the Steps and, on average, are on the 6th Step

How We Found RCA
CHART

Our Dreams for RCA

1. Build vibrant, healthy meetings in every country and in every city.
2. Reach all of our communities with the message of RCA experience, strength
and hope.
3. Make RCA a joyful couple experience grounded in the 12 Steps.
4. Use the tools we have more effectively, and build others that enhance our
diversity and goals.
5. Strengthen our meetings through more warmly embracing newcomers,
supporting new meetings and focusing on the 12 Steps.
6. Strengthen our recovery through sponsorship, step work and more directly
addressing our sexual wounding.
7. More effectively embrace and support our diversity through outreach, tools
and delegates.
8. Use the World Wide Web to improve our accessibility to the global
community of couples.
9. Make RCA financially sound and self-supporting.

Most Valuable RCA Tools
CHART

RCA Tools Needed

1. Improved meeting support and structure
• Active support for new groups
• Meeting sponsorship by phone
• Introduction to those new to 12 Step work
• More consistent attendance
• More time to share
• Focus on program topics
• Less cliquish
2. Retreats and weekends
3. 12 Step workbook
4. Model contracts

Making RCA Financially Self Sufficient

1. More and healthier meetings
2. Ask for donations and inform members about uses
3. Fund raising events
4. New traditions
5. New creative tools

NEXT ISSUE:

Tools for Our Coupleship

New Meeting

Welcome To
Indianapolis, Indiana

7th Tradition

• Oakland, CA Friday Night RCA
• Tuesday Night Ravenna, Ohio RCA
• Caring Couples of Des Moines, Iowa
• Palo Alto, California RCA
• Friday Night Philadelphia, PA RCA
• Tri-County Michigan RCA
• Sacramento, California RCA
• Rhode Island/Massachusetts RCA Group
• Riverhead, New York RCA
• Los Angeles, CA Sunday Home Meeting
• St. Louis Sunday Afternoon RCA
• St. Louis Sunday Evening RCA
• Houston, Texas Wednesday RCA
• Sunday RCA - Indianola, Iowa
In addition there were 4 individual donations given by 2 individuals or
couples.
Thank you one and all !!!!

Garage Sales

A big Thank You to the Caring Couples RCA Group of Des Moines, Iowa for the proceeds of a Garage Sale in October.

From Judy’s Desk

We will be mailing the “Annual Report to the Fellowship” to all Group Contact Couples with the next newsletter. If you don’t see one at your meeting, ask your contact couple or contact WSO for another one. Please take the time to look it over. It contains a lot of information about our fellowship.

On a personal note - I would like to thank everyone for all of your cards, prayers and love. It is very meaningful to me and I am most grateful. Thanks also for the wonderful honor at the convention. - Judy W

Monthly Themes

by Glenn Anderson

In the Vision 2000 survey, the fellowship expressed a desire to receive information that would make meetings more interesting and inspiring as well as help in developing a perceived connection between local groups around the world. Out of these desires grew the idea for monthly themes. Local groups may decide to use these themes for meeting topics, meeting development aids and for fundraising. By doing so, they will become one of many groups world-wide focusing thought and energy on a single topic of value for recovering couples.

The monthly themes will also be placed on the RCA Web Site so they will be available to members of the fellowship who have internet access. There will be quarterly Hand in Hand articles on the themes and the WSO will use the themes for projects.

Here are the themes for 1998:
January - Acceptance
February - Faith
March - Commitment
April - Facing Fear
May - Trust
June - Action
July - Humility
August - Cooperation
September - Forgiveness
October - Awareness
November - Gratitude
December- Sharing Your Love.

Acceptance

If one were to isolate a single factor that goes the greatest distance in providing harmony, or that much sought after “serenity” in relationships, it is acceptance. Within that simple word lies the key to happiness. When we first came into RCA, the word acceptance most likely meant to us that the situation we found ourselves in must be tolerated so that we could have some growth together later. Tolerance might even be the first step toward acceptance. As we tolerated our partner in spite of the many things we found wrong with our partner, we slowly came to find out that they were tolerating us and the many things they found so wrong. A truce of sorts was needed so we could sit down at the negotiating table to bargain for relief from the war that had been raging on the battlefield we called our relationship. From that decision to have a cease-fire we had a chance to start using the wonderful gift of the Twelve Steps. Through them we came to learn that everything that had happened in the past is exactly what was necessary to get us to this point of healing today. By accepting the past, past behaviors of both of us, and everything that has led to this moment, we now find that we are operating in Divine Order of a sort. When we fully accept all that has happened and all that is happening now, we can find a sense of continuity, peace and restoration of love. Weren’t those things we found so unacceptable about our partner there from the start when we were so very attracted? When we can accept ourselves, our partner, our relationship and our world as being just the way it ought to be, we are on the first mile of the road to joy.

Faith

To be truly effective human beings, we must believe in something. Once we have the belief we must then put it into action. Faith seems to require both ingredients: belief and action. For those of us who have previously experienced some recovery in other twelve step groups, we could bring the faith we gained there to our work in our relationship recovery. Those that start RCA with no previous twelve step experience can go to meetings and see that others seem to thrive when they do have faith in the program. So, we tend to “borrow” some faith from other recovering couples. As that happens, we “come to believe” that this program will recover our relationship. This is the beginning of faith. When we add the action required by working the steps, learning and practicing new communication skills, learning to trust and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, faith follows. At first it is like that Biblical mustard seed that is so small. As we nurture that small faith and see results, it grows. As it grows, so does our ability to meet new challenges. As we meet those new challenges with the belief that the process will work, faith becomes stronger and stronger. There are even those in the program whose faith in the process is so strong they may seem to some like RCA zealots! What separates the truly faithful from the clanging noisemakers, is action. Where you see action based on belief you will see real faith. Where you see couples who really believe in the RCA program and are doing the relationship “work’” you will find incredible faith. With faith comes confidence and strength.

Commitment

Oh no! It’s the “big C” word. It’s the dreaded bane of all things that we hold so personally dear, like our individuality. If we commit, that will surely be end of us as unique and the beginning of us as drones. Most of us had some sort of similar notions when we entered relationships. So, to counter this, we may well have “mouthed” the words of commitment but deep down gave ourselves an escape plan. “If things get too bad, I can always leave (have an affair, get a divorce, kill myself or them, go insane, go back to mom and dad etc.). But a commitment is not something that has escape clauses. It is not a contract that has consequence clauses for default. It is a pledge based on our own honor as a human being who knows only for sure that while in this life, we intend at all times to live up to our word. There is no negotiating that goes with commitment. There is no “have your lawyer and my lawyer work out the details.” Commitment is absolutely the finest gift a human being can give. Commitment comes after much consideration and goes to the very heart of what being both fully human and fully spirit means. A commitment in relationship means that no matter what, we are in the process together and that each of us will do whatever is required by the relationship and not leave. That means if there are communication problems, we find solutions beneficial to the relationship. Finding someone with whom we seem to communicate better at the moment instead of our partner is not part of the commitment. When commitment is truly in place, the most amazing thing happens; intimacy! With intimacy we are more fully able to explore who we are, who our partner is and what we are here on planet Earth to do and experience. Though it may seem like an oxymoron, this fact remains; with commitment comes freedom...the freedom to fully be ourselves.