We made a searching
and fearless moral inventory of our relationship together as a couple.
Each
partner needs first to look at the impact of their behavior on the relationship.
After having shared the individual inventories with each other, the inventory
of the coupleship is completed. The goal of this inven-tory is to gain awareness
about the extent of the damage has the illness caused. We must fearlessly
face our coupleship. When a couple is able to face the reality of their relationship,
they can grow in their love based on honesty. Review these questions about
your personal role in the relationship:
Unfinished
Business: In what ways have I not finished things with my partner, letting
them go and fester?
Hypervigilance:
In what ways have I looked for things to go wrong?
Self-Responsibility:
In what ways have I failed to take responsibility for my mistakes or issues?
Comfort
and Feelings: In what ways have I not shared uncomfortable feelings with
my partner?
Accuracy
and Honesty: In what ways have I placated my partner or opposed sharing
real perceptions?
Connection:
In what ways have I not been available to my partner? Do I seek regular
ways to connect?
Stress:
In what ways do my overextension and stress affect my part- ner?
Separateness:
Do I develop a separate life away from my partner? Does this separate
life include friends and activities?
Personal
Needs: In what ways is my partner to guess or "know" about my
needs? Do I ask for them to be met clearly?
Shame
Avoidance: In what ways do I seek to put blame on my partner?
Pain
Thresholds: In what ways have I tolerated pain that was unneces- sary?
Choice
Clarity: In what ways have I been unclear about my choices, leaving things
undecided or up to my partner?
To complete
the inventory, review together these questions and record your answers on
a single piece of paper. Writing helped us organize our thoughts. Begin by
reading aloud the Safety Guidelines.
Answer the following questions as a couple:
In what
ways have we created crisis when there wasn't any?
In what
ways have we had fights which really never accomplished any- thing?
How have
we neglected instead of nurtured our relationship?
How do
we avoid being close when we have the opportunity to have inti- macy?
In what
ways do we pretend these problems do not exist?
In what
ways have we isolated ourselves from other couples and friends who could
support our relationship?
In what
ways have we been depleted both physically and emotionally so we had nothing
to give one another?
In what
ways have we tolerated abuse of ourselves and our family?
What
are our social and physical strengths?
How had
the disease of our relationship affected us socially, financially, and
physically?
What
had we grieved together as a couple? How did we grieve?
What
did our process look like?
What
were our losses, (e.g. having never achieved our financial goals, hav-
ing children with problems, having a dysfunctional sexual relationship,
etc.)?
Despite
our dysfunctions, what had we liked about our relationship?
What
had been the good things?
What
had we treasured in each other and the coupleship?
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that
our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and
our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching
and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves,
and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely
ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him
to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and
became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people
wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued
to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God
as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the
power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result
of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice
these principles in all our affairs. (Used with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous
World Services, Inc.)