Step 9

We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This step has been referred to as having "spiritual surgery" performed on us. Have your Eighth Step list available.

Most RCA couples, for example, begin by doing a Ninth Step with their children. We can make amends to our children by respecting them as individuals, by maintaining our own recovery, and by being healthy and reasonably happy adults ourselves.

Be careful not to confuse apologies with amends. Sometimes apologies are called for, but apologies are not amends. Amends are made by acting differently. For example, we can apologize ten times for being late to the meeting while we are the secretaries, but this will not "amend" the issue. Coming on time and changing our behavior thus becomes our amend.

When we repair the damage we have done to others, we will be "overhauling" our relationship. We will find a glow of satisfaction in knowing we have done everything to pay off every material, moral and spiritual debt we owe our fellow human beings.

When we looked at Step Eight, we realized we had put our own relationship at the top of the list. How do we make amends to ourselves?

First, get a new attitude, one which reflects a willingness to love and forgive ourselves. Think about what we want to say. Be clear. Perhaps we want to write it down and take responsibility for our actions. Both of us must be willing to turn the coupleship over to our Higher Power.

In preparation for the actual making of the amends, we devote time to prayer and meditation. We don't go on if either of us is angry or upset. We keep it simple. We can express a desire or ask permission. "I need to be aware of the harm I have done to others and take responsibility for my actions. I would like to make amends to us/you. Are you OK to receive it?"

Again, create a comfortable, safe setting--kitchen table, living room--choose the favorite place you like to go. Read the Safety Guidelines and open with a prayer. A sample amends may sound something like this:

"I want to make an amend to our relationship about ____________________. I forgive myself for all the words that were said out of fear (thoughtlessness, inconsideration, anger, immaturity, selfishness, etc.) and out of my own confusion. I wish no harm to our relationship. I didn't intend to cause you pain. I ask for your forgiveness. I plan to change my behavior by ________."

Step One	Step Two	Step Three	Step Four	Step Five	Step Six
Step Seven	Step Eight	Step Nine	Step Ten	Step Eleven	Step Twelve