In
Step 7, we need to form a working partnership with a power greater than ourselves.
We seek humility--the ability to face reality. The real change happened as
we let go of our false pride and worked in partnership to make contracts to
change.
The contracts we made were witnessed and signed by our sponsors. We felt validated
in our relationship. We had something to remind us of our hard work in self/coupleship
recovery.
As we defined our Higher Power, we asked how our trust in that Power could
help us remove those defects of character. Where could we get help to know
how to communicate, fight fairly, have a healthy sex life, etc.? RCA believes
strongly in making contracts. We needed contracts about:
Sexuality:
For example, we may have seen a therapist for insight and direction regarding
specific attitudes and behaviors. We may have attempted celibacy contracts
to take sexual pressure off our relationship in order to work on other
issues. We may have needed contracts about how often, who initiates, etc.
What were our sexual boundaries?
Producing
Income: What are the dynamics of independence when one partner is financially
dependent on another?
Division
of Labor: What is the impact on the division of labor in the household
when both partners work outside the home? When only one works outside
the home? When both are retired?
Communicating:
We were encouraged to look at the Safety Guidelines in order to know how
to structure a contract about communicating. As partners, we were encouraged
to use "I statements" rather than saying "you did..."
or "you said..." This helped us each take individual responsibility
for the coupleship and helped us avoid blame.
Recreation:
How would we play together? We may have been abused out of our playfulness
as a couple. We needed to deal with unresolved expec- tations. Why is
having fun such hard work sometimes? A recreation con- tract was helpful
for some couples.
Parenting:
Who had certain responsibilities and when? Did we agree on discipline
and what values we wished to pass on to our children? Did we stand united
in our religious and/or philosophical beliefs? Or did we allow our children
to be buffeted between two opposing viewpoints on life? Were we confused
about our parenting roles? Did we allow our children to "divide and
conquer?" Or did we maintain unity in parenting?
Fighting:
Conflict is healthy but fighting unfairly is not. We took the list of
how we fought unfairly from Steps One and/or Six, and made another list
of fighting rules to guide us in conflict in the coupleship. These rules
varied from couple to couple. For example, if we said, "We always
quarrel unfairly after 11:00 p.m. We're just too tired," a fighting
rule was that "We won't conduct a fight after 11:00 p.m." We
may agree not to argue in the car or in front of the kids, etc. Some general
rules that most couples implemented were:
In order
for a constructive argument to take place, both people must agree that
there is indeed an issue in conflict and agree on an appropriate time
and place to discuss this conflict. When agree- ment of a time and place
is reached, all other "fighting" rules take effect.
We
won't name-call, shame, damage, use offensive language, or blame our partners.
We will use "I statements" to express our needs, feelings and
boundaries.
We
will have a certain time-limit. When time is up we must reschedule a time
to continue the dispute. We can call "time-out" or take "breaks,"
and we can cancel the fight if rules have been bro- ken.
For
those of us who don't know how to fight or don't like to engage in any
kind of conflict at all, we will agree to be honest about our feelings
(including anger), even if this is only for 15 minutes.
If
we can't fight fairly by ourselves, or if we fear confrontation, we will
have our verbalizing of disagreements only in the presence of our RCA
sponsors or our therapist.
We
agree to avoid dramatic exits and to avoid physical abuse. We agree not
to threaten divorce. If one of us needs an individual time-out to get
in touch with feelings, to think about things or to feel safe, we can
say, "This is not about my leaving the relationship or avoiding the
conflict issue, but I am taking a break and will be back. Do you agree
to meet in one hour (or tomorrow morning, etc.)? This is not about my
abandoning the coupleship."
Again, these
were just a few rules. The other rules varied according to the history of
each coupleship. They may have seemed oppressive or cumber- some at first.
We found that while we needed to be very intentional about them in the first
months, they eventually became more automatic as they replaced our old behaviors
and became "routine." The goal was to be able to express and hear
anger in a healthy way. We experienced the ability to resolve conflict and
fight fairly as a great gift of intimacy. Our fighting contracts were written
out, each rule elaborated, and witnessed by our RCA sponsors.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that
our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and
our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching
and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves,
and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely
ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him
to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and
became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people
wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued
to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God
as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the
power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result
of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice
these principles in all our affairs. (Used with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous
World Services, Inc.)